ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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