Well douche your snatch and let's go!
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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