I wish I could punch you in the face.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My penis needs a shock collar
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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