I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
