I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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