I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
