Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
