Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
