So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
