Porn is love you can see.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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