Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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