If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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