bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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