from now on my penis is your penis
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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