just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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