Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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