We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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