Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
