dude i'm inner monologue high
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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