i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
