Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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