i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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