Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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