I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
