ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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