Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize