Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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