I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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