Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
