holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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