I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
