I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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