no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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