we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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