my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
