you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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