i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
