Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
