dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
