Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
