he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
