im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
