I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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