don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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