i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize