I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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