just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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