guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize