Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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