Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
how drunk are you?
Several
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
