"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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