Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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