I cannot find my penis.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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