Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
