I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
