so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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