My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I want her autograph on my taint
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
