how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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