Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
