Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
