We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
