Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
