Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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