I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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